Ahh, a bit of a break

If you are one of those people that complains "Update your blog, update your blog, validate my worthless existence by writing some piece of genius that I can take home and coddle as my own child," you can eat me. You may even use all sorts of various sauces, spices and toppings, but I will not allow sprinkles, or as those of you who have eaten one too many lead fishing weights call them, jimmies. Basically, here's what I'm getting at: Eat me. Page 2.

Whelp, my suspicions have been confirmed... George W. Bush is a big pussy. No, I retract that statement, because I don't want to insult all the lovely pussy out there... George W. Bush is a gobshite. Why, you may ask? Because he doesn't like being asked real questions at an interview! Here, I couldn't make this shit up... read it:

The White House has lodged a complaint with the Irish Embassy in Washington over RTÉ journalist Carole Coleman's interview with US President George Bush.

And it is believed the President's staff have now withdrawn from an exclusive interview which was to have been given to RTÉ this morning by First Lady Laura Bush.

It is understood that both RTÉ and the Department of Foreign Affairs were aware of the exclusive arrangement, scheduled for 11am today. However, when RTÉ put Ms Coleman's name forward as interviewer, they were told Mrs Bush would no longer be available.

The Irish Independent learned last night that the White House told Ms Coleman that she interrupted the president unnecessarily and was disrespectful.

She also received a call from the White House in which she was admonished for her tone.

And it emerged last night that presidential staff suggested to Ms Coleman as she went into the interview that she ask him a question on the outfit that Taoiseach Bertie Ahern wore to the G8 summit. [www.gumbopages.com]

The whole damn thing just goes on about how he wouldn't answer the REAL questions that were being thrown at him by this wondeful Irish reporter, and how he actually asked the interviewer to "hold on a second", or give him some breathing room so he wouldn't have to tax that bantam brain of his, trying to think of "what Dick told me to say..." ^{not an actualy quote}. Dubya, and his whole cabinet, are a major liability to this country, and they should be "dealt with"¹ properly. The only problem with that is that the Democratic party has nominated another freaking mannequin! How in the bloody hell does it help to chose between Tweedle-fuckhead> and Lurch. My buddyJR and I very rarely agree on politics, he being a "sensible" conservative (i.e., he's not a complete jag-sock), and me being a pain-in-the-ass nuetral voter with liberal leanings (I likes my beer cold and my hookers cheap, and thats what I likes.) However, we both agreed on three points

1. Dubya is a weak-willed, rhetorical-filled idiot.


2. Kerry is basically the same, but stiffer.


3. Gen. Wesley Clarke could have taken the both of them out with a wave of his pelvis

Now, I know you're all shocked that JR and I would agree on Wesley Clarke. I was horrified. However, it came to me. He's a young guy, I'm a young guy, and we're both still fresh-faced, as far as the jaded world goes, so we're a bit more optimistic than others. However, our shared support didn't stem from such optimism. It stems from the fact that Clarke kicks some serious ass. His policies are solid, his stances on various world issues are sensible, and he's [gasp] intelligent! No, no we have no room for that kind of crap in the White House! I would like to see him run on an independent ticket... cause I'd vote for him. Lord knows that other "independent", or as I call him, "the guy the Republicans hired to grab votes from Gore, and then fuck the electoral process in the ass" is a good choice... if you like chowderheads with foreign policies and economic plan that resemble something that would fall out of your ass after a hefty taco dinner. Needless to say, I will not be voting for him, nor will I be breaking if I see him crossing the street. I can honsetly say the same thing about the presidential candidates for this year... although for GW I'd probably have to speed up, to get through all those damn Secret Service agents. (Watch, someone is watching my blog, and I'm going to have Secret Service agents show up at my house because GW is a big cock, and thinks my edgy political rhetoric is a threat.)

Anyway, I have to split, so I'll continue to carry this chain of fiery rhetoric on until I'm vindicated.

Kiss my ass.

Apologies

This will be my shortest post ever. I'm on lunch break, and I would like to apologize to those of you who were looking for an entry on Tuesday. Blogger somehow screwed it up something awful, so it just ain't here. But there will be another forth coming.
I be strokin.

Randomness is my job

First, I would like to invite everyone who reads this weblog and knows how to get ahold of me to a party on July 3. It'll be up at my place, drink and food and music. It should be a blast. If I haven't sent you an invite, I apologize, I may not have your e-mail or it may be incorrect. Just leave me a comment, and I'll get to ya.

The first thing I would like to look at today is the Indian Spider-Man. Thats right, you heard me. Marvel and Gotham Entertainment Group are producing a Spider-Man for the the audience of India, including a costume rework, different powers, and a change for the Green Goblin, making him a Rakshasa, a mythological Indian demon. What do I think about all this, you may (stupidly) ask? Why... it's fucking awesome. Just LOOK at the new costume! That alone would make me want to go out and get the comic books. Not only that, but they've finally given the little bastard some flavor. Hell yes, I say, hell yes! Now, the one downfall to this whole thing, is that they're starting the run with the release of the Spiderman 2 movie in India. Does everything have to be synergy? The comic-book industry used to do things because they were bad-ass, not because they tied in with a movie and some fuckin' food promotion deal, or whatever. Now, it's all business, just the same. But, I do give props to the boys at Marvel and The Gotham Entertainment Group. The new Bali Spider-man looks like a real bad-ass mutha. I can't wait.

Speaking of Marvel comic-book characters, would you like to learn how to throw cards like Gambit, that Cajun rogue of the X-men? Well, check this shit out. It's a site with some excerpts from the book by Ricky Jay entilted "Cards as Weapons." Ricky Jay was able to send an ordinary playing card through a watermelon from 20 feet. (Note that a watermellon has basically the same density and surface tension of a human skull.) The techniques aren't difficult to pick-up, but are extremely difficult to master... but don't think I won't try. Page 2.

This man should be the next President of the United States. Why? Because he's a Cicso teacher who got tired of his students having to shell out serious dough for the Cisco books, and wrote his own. Not only that, but he's giving it away free in PDF form, and selling it in hardcopy for $20. It's a 433 page book... which he wrote... and he's selling it for $20... promote that man! I hate buying textbooks, and I would rather sandpaper the asshole of a crocidile in a Volkswagen then deal with having to try to sell them back. so that I feel I didn't get completely shat on. This is why Matt Basham deserves some sort of medal... and someone get that man a blowjob. C'mon now!

So, here's an open message to the lovely people at SBC. If there is anyone reading this that works for SBC, send this to your boss(es), if you would be so kind. My message is simple. You, the upper-level management, are crooks of the higest order. My boss just told me today that SBC stated that they were going to start charging us for having multiple computers on the same DSL line... WTF? Why the fuck does it matter, as long as we're staying within the bandwidth that is assigned to us? It doesn't. Network traffic is network traffic, and it doesn't matter if it's coming from one machine or 10, it's traffic. So, I'll ask you very politely, Mr. Edward Whitacre, CEO of SBC... How do you sleep at night, you fucking prick? Where do you get off trying to charge me for every machine on my network? That's like charging me for every phone on my phone line. (Although not completely the same, it's still the same concept.) So, what, Mr. Whitacre, do you think is keeping you from going straight to hell for the way you've treated your customers, where your fatt ass will be stuffed to the brim with red-hot coals? Huh? You fuck-witted water-head, I wish someone else offered any sort of broadband service up here, because I would like to be as far away from your shitty service as possible. I will never break if I see you crossing the street, you ass-clown. *ahem* Page 3.

I would like to address an earlier rant that I had going, about the "War" in Iraq, the stupidity of the President, and the evil of the members of Bush's administration. Now, I know we've never had a truly good person for a President, with probably the exception of Jimmy Carter. He was too good for the country's good, though. We need a bit of that "sleazy, car salesmen" kind of vibe, but not a whole hearted "I'm too stupid to be evil, but that isn't stopping my administration from being a group of Ass-Hitlers" thing that's going on in the US right now. The problem is Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft, and Ridge have NO morals. Not selective morals, like Slick Willey... they have NO morals. It's really disturbing watching Ashcroft talk, too, because it looks like he's constantly trying to figure out what he's going to lie about next. Oh, and Ridge... he's an asshat, as far as I'm concerned. He's always sitting there, being a bastard, taking away our freedoms. Oooh.. isn't anyone else steamed up about the fact that we're being lied to on a constant basis? And I'm not talking about "We don't have any secret airforce bases where we have UFOs," and all that bullshit, I'm talking about stuff like "You don't need to win the election to be the president," and "You don't need the right of free assembly when it comes into conflict with any government organization." Damnit! Why don't you all lick the hairiest crack in my ass? If I wanted to be fed a line of bullshit, I'd listen to Walter Jacobsen. Oh, and speaking of our continually tramped-upon "freedoms" in this country, the government has knocked out another little chunk.
Police or law enforcement officials can now arrest anyone suspected of a crime for refusing to state their name. Now... what the fuck? If you are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, as stated in your Miranda rights. However, you can only have the right to remain silent when you are under arrest? They can arrest you for being silent, where-in you gain the right to be silent. What the fuck is this bullshit? It's a total assault on our rights and liberties in this country is what it is... and a huge crock of shit.

So what? So fuck it.

Enough is enough

First, I would like to say thank you to Ryan and Keith for chiming in and offering advice, consultation, and most of all, understanding about my minor life issue. Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.

Now then, on to the ranting... bitch.

As some of you may know, the Digital Millenium Copyright Act of 1998 is a real... pet peeve(?) of mine... I guess that would be a nice way to say it. Or, I could just say I think it's the worst fucking piece of tripe to ever be passed through congress since the damnable Jim Crow laws of the late 1800's. (I'm not counting Prohibition, because at least the government was smart enough to repeal that one when they saw everyone violating it.) Now, the original intent of the DMCA, that of protecting the copyrights of the owner, isn't evil at all. I have a few things copyrighted, and I would like to keep them that way, or at least get accredited for the originals, etc. (One of the copyrighted pieces I have written is published in it's entirety below.) However, what the DMCA has become is the equivelant of a certain radioactive Japanese lizard. It's big, clumsy, destructive, and likes to destroy monsters from Planet 0. If you would care to read a paper I wrote about it for my English class, it is published below in it's entirety, and you will see that three out of four of my above claims are true. Try and guess which ones, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

The following is the copyrighted work of Nathaniel Aaron Bellon, 2003. No part of it may be reproduced for any commercial purposes without prior consent. Educational and Institutional use is encouraged.

The DMCA and Friends: Extreme Justice
       Little Megan Dickinson, of Seattle, Washington, didn't know exactly what was happening. Megan liked to download music, and she had about 1,100 songs located on the hard drive of her computer, and enjoyed listening to them. That is, until the Recording Industry Association of America, hereafter referred to as the RIAA, located her, and served her with a lawsuit, demanding that they either pay a $3,500 settlement, or go to court and possibly pay a price of $750 a song, to the tune of $825,000. According to a local TV station, Komo News, “Megan... doesn't understand all the legal issues or what's at stake. She's 15 -- all she knows is she downloaded some music, and never had any idea it could cause so much trouble. “ (Furia) This sort of legal action is happening all around the country, with the RIAA having filed 382 lawsuits in the span of two months, and sending out 398 lawsuit notification letters, adding on to previous cases that have been files since the end of 2002. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, a newspaper in Seattle, Washington, the RIAA has even filed several suits against people who do not own computers, including Ernest Brenot, a 79 year-old retiree who lives in Ridgefield, Washington. Mr. Brenot “wrote in a handwritten note to a federal judge that he does not own a computer nor can he operate one. Brenot was accused of illegally offering for download 774 songs by artists including Vanilla Ice, U2, Creed, Linkin Park and Guns N' Roses.” (Bridis) The apparent message is “copyright violators beware.” (slashdot)
       Almost everyone has done it, though. Nearly everyone has violated copyright law at one point or another. It is as easy as copying a movie from the video store, taping a CD that was
borrowed from a friend, or even, according to the RIAA, the most egregious of all, downloading music off the Internet. Few have ever thought of the ramifications of their actions. Now, however, thanks to the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998, hereafter referred to as the DMCA, those who violate copyright are considered a criminal, and if the punishment for said violation is any indication, they are criminals most foul.
       The DMCA, passed on the twenty-seventh of January, 1998 by the United States Congress, appears, at first glance, to be a rather boring piece of legislation. The Act was drafted, and passed, to protect the owners of copyrights against the infringement that occurs on a daily basis. It is a fairly short bill, being only 50 pages in length, but it documents quite a bit of new ground, including the implementation of the World Intellectual Property Organization Treaty, a section on Online Copyright Infringement and liability, and a few miscellaneous extras, including a protection placed on boat hull designs. It seems like a fairly innocuous bit of law, until the Act is disassembled and the truth about the World Intellectual Property Organization Treaty, hereafter referred to as WIPO, shines forth in all of its Orwellian glory.
       The WIPO Treaty documents exactly what copyright violation is in the digital age, i.e. the circumvention of copyright protection systems. Many copyright systems are detailed in the bill, some being as simple as a four-line colorstripe system that adds a few lines in the reception of a TV or movie broadcast, and some being as technically complex as a 128-bit encryption method that uses highly complex algorithms to encrypt and decrypt information. The Act goes to great pains to document each copyright system and its technical boundaries. While all of this information is very useful, it is the next eleven or twelve pages that really bring the trebuchet of law to bear, and of course, it’s the violation portion.
       As detailed in the DMCA, Section 103, subsection 1201, to circumvent a technological copyright system means to “descramble a scrambled work, to decrypt an encrypted work or otherwise avoid, bypass, remove, deactivate, or impair a technological measure” without the authority of the copyright owner.” (Digital) Ergo, if someone were to tape Monday Night Football, and bring it to a friends house for display during a football party, they would technically be in violation of the DMCA, even though the Fair-Use law contradicts this with a legal precedent commonly known as the Betamax case. In this case, “the Supreme court determined that the home videotaping of a television broadcast was fair use.” (Stanford) This, however, does not address the issue of copyright circumvention, which could be the assumed job of a video recorder, bypassing the colorstripes or static bursts that are included in the DMCA as a form of broadcast copyright protection. It will be interesting to see if a case with such a circumstance goes to court. Of course, provisions are thrown in for government officials, such as law enforcement and the intelligence community, and for educational institutions and archives, but none of the exemptions really offer any substantive difference from the initial statement of the bill. A violation is still a violation, no matter who did it, and they will be punished to the full extent of the law, and the punishments for violating the above subsection of the DMCA are harsh, to say the least.
       Even some computer security devices are considered copyright circumvention tools, according to the DMCA, such as firewalls. A firewall is a piece of software, or sometimes even a piece of hardware, that controls traffic on a network. It's job is to keep the computers on the network, and the network infrastructure as a whole, safe from malicious deeds, such as hacking and cracking. It does this by filtering a complex series of packets, or computer information bits, and only allowing certain packets through. However, an increasing number of software designers are using packet based communications to verify the Serial number, which is a unique number assigned to every piece of software by it's creator. If the firewall is setup improperly, or properly, depending on the intent, it can block this packet traffic that the software manufacturer uses to track registered users of it's program, and thus allow software pirates to use it with impunity.
       Dmitry Sklyarov, a computer programmer was arrested, at the urging of Adobe Software, for publishing a paper detailing a how to break the exceptionally rudimentary cryptographic lock on Adobe's eBook. Skylarov spent 14 days in jail before he was bailed by a group formed to fight his case. Legal action is still being levied against Dmitry, who noted that Adobe's new cryptographic routine was nothing other than ROT-13. The child-like encryption technique of ROT-13 involves simply rotating the English alphabet by 13 places, ergo the letter B becomes the letter O, and so on. Had Dmitry not pointed this fatal security flaw out, Adobe may have been faced with many enraged customers, who, after having their computers security endangered, may have filed suit against Adobe. Instead, Adobe chose to file suit against Skylarov. (Anti)
       However, it's not just pirating music and software that is being taken to task by the DMCA. Free speech uses of copyright materials are also being attacked by the copyright holder. Fatwallet.com, an online coupon and discount bulletin board, had legal action filed against it by 5 national retailers, stating that the inclusion of their sale prices for the Thanksgiving week of 2003 was a violation of their respective copyrights. Best Buy, one of the principal companies involved in the legal action, filed a subpoena against Fatwallet.com, demanding the identity of the poster whom had posted the sale information. Due to the fact that the subpoena was improperly served and was full of legal errors, Fatwallet.com was not forced to comply. However, the legal department of Fatwallet.com has filed a lawsuit “in the United States District Court for the Northern District of Illinois seeking a declaration that these demands constitute an abuse of the DMCA and violate the First Amendment rights of both FatWallet and its users (FatWallet, Inc. v. Best Buy Enterprise Services, Inc., et al., Case No. 03C50508).” (Fatwallet)
       The DMCA also contains a section that essentially charges a hefty fee for webcasting copyrighted material. Webcasting is the popular name for broadcasting music across the Internet, using a variety of technical tools. Most webcasters, it should be noted, are educational institutions, such as a school-funded radio station. For many schools, the broadcasting budget is rather tight, preventing them from purchasing tall radio towers or signal generators. This usually limits many college radios stations to a 12 mile broadcast radius. With webcasting, however, students and supporters that are out of the 12 mile earth-curvature effect are able to hear the college's broadcasts. However, now the DMCA requires that all webcasting entities that play any sort of copyrighted material pay a licensing fee to each of the holders of copyright. That means if the station chooses to play albums that are owned by BMI, EMI and Time-Warner, they are forced to pay three separate fees to the different companies.
       If someone is caught in violation of the DMCA, Section 103, they may be prosecuted in a civil trail or a criminal trial. The civil trails, as it may seem, are much “friendlier” than the criminal trails are. Of course, both are still extreme. For violating copyright in a civil trail, each act of violation can be fined for “not less than $200 or more than $2,500.”(Digital) This means if an imaginary subject by the name of Bill has 3,000 mp3 files, a digital music file used by online file-sharers, Bill could be fined as little as $600,000 or as much as $7,500,000, and this is all before a secondary set of statutory damages are added on. If it pleases the individual or association who is pressing the charges, they can add on another set of damages “not less than $2,500 or more than $25,000,” for each violation. Using the same example of Bill, he would owe as little as $8,100,000 or as much as $82,500,000. That is a large amount of money for a series of violations that could take only days to commit, and that’s only the civil case.
       Criminal cases are defined by the use of the copyrighted material. If the copyrighted material in question is used in any way to that involved the exchange of money for the copyrighted goods, or services that can be rendered by the copyright goods, such as sound-recording software being used to record a band, then the DMCA allows for this case to be files in criminal court. There the penalties are much harsher and more demanding than in the civil case, and do included incarceration, if the prosecuting party so wishes to push for it. The penalties state that a violator “shall be fined not more than $500,000 or imprisoned for not more than 5 years, or both, for the first offense, and shall be fined not more than $1,000,000 or imprisoned for not more than 10 years, or both, for any subsequent offense.” Thusly, if Jill were to sell 50 copied CDs to her friends made from copyright music, or from copyright protected music files, she could be fined up to $49,500,000 and could go to jail for up to 495 years. This punishment is for a mere 50 violations of copyright, and not the 3,000 that was detailed earlier, in the example for the civil case. This means that if Jill were convicted of murder in the first degree in Pennsylvania, she would only serve a life sentence in prison, which is generally 80 years, and which decreases with good-behavior parole. The premeditated snuffing of a life actually can hold a smaller sentence than the violation of copyright. There is something desperately wrong with that statement.
       Due to the way in which the DMCA attempts to limit the rights of the consumer, numerous people have spoken out against it. One of the more compelling arguments is that the DMCA violates multiple rights afforded to us by the Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America. The First Amendment states that the government will not limit religion, the right to assembly, petition the government about grievances, “or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.” (U.S.) Many believe that these rights could be easily infringed, and are currently being infringed, by corporations abusing the DMCA. Especially notable are the cases of Fatwallet.com and Dmitry Sklyarov, mentioned earlier in this paper.
       Almost all of the penalties also seem to violate the 8th Amendment. The 8th Amendment states that “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.” (U.S.) This may be one of the reasons that the RIAA and the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) are so quick to settle out of court, wielding lawsuits who's fines usually rocket above the $500,000 mark against private citizens. And while many may think that $49,500,000 may seem excessive for 50 counts of copyright violation, the Supreme Court has not ruled it excessive, and therefore, it is not considered so yet. All this stands on the shoulders of a law called the No Electronic Theft (NET) Act of 1997, which makes any form of online copyright violation a federal felony, with it's own punishments of up to $250,000 and 3 years in jail.
       All of these laws, but especially the DMCA, seem to have several main points in mind, and the main is the overt control of the copyright holder over the consumer. Copyright holders can flex their legal muscle, and keep consumers in line by forcing them to purchase specific VCRs and DVD players, i.e. those that conform to the DMCA's copyright protection methods, or by disallowing them to perform the music sharing that has been alive and well since the invention of the tape recorder, which allows the music labels to get a wonderfully effective, unpaid advertising service.
       However, while the largest of companies, those being the music industry, the recording industry and the software industry, are allowed to hire as many lobbyists as they please, and pay their way into legislation that benefits them with power, the American consumer will continue being a victim of horrible rights violations, performed by the companies who they support, and convinced that it is for “their own good.”


“I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country.... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the
Republic is destroyed."
--U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, Nov. 21, 1864 (Anti)


Sources Cited and Referenced:
Anti-DMCA explains Dmitry Sklyarov and the DMCA Anti-DMCA.org 1 December 2003
Link

Bridis, Ted. Recording Industry targets even computer-less. Seattle Post-Intelligencer Seattle, Washington. 3 December 2003.
Link

Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998. H.R.2281 12 November 2003
Link

Fatwallet files lawsuit challenging both retailers demands for removal of Thanksgiving Sales
Price web postings and subpoena seeking posters identities. Fatwallet.com. 26
November 2003.
Link

Furia, Joe. Local Teen Singing The Blues After Being Sued For Downloading Music. Komo
1000 News. Seattle, Washington. 17 November 2003.
Link

Music/Your Rights Online, Slashdot.org 3 December 2003
Link

Stanford University Libraries. Fair Use Law. 1 December 2003
Link

U.S. Constitution: Bill of Rights. Findlaw.com 1 December 2003
Link


Now what prompted me, you may ask, to post this paper of mine online? Well, first off, I think it's a damn good paper, and it really opens the issue to people who are not familiar with the DMCA. (If you're really interested, read the legislation itself. It's like reading a Dental Health manual without all the pretty pictures, and it smells worse.) Secondly, it's because my taste for legislative blood has been refreshed by the actions of Senator Orrin Hatch. He's introduced a bill that will destroy our rights to ever record anything ever again, among other things. One of it's seeming thrusts is to reverse the Betamax decision that currently stands under fair-use law (read my paper for a full description of the Betamax case). This is yet another threat to our liberties, although, granted, not nearly the threat that The Patriot Act (HR3162) poses to our society, and freedoms. Peering down that road, you may be interested to read the Electronic Freedom Foundation's fairly thorough and concise Analysis of the Patriot Act as it effects online activities. It's excellent, but I digress.

So, what I'm advocating, is the biting of my stanky, funk-laden scrot by these fat, arrogant, money-bloated nozzle-suckers that we have in the legislature, always keeping with the hyperbole of "keeping us safe," by essentially handcuffing our ability to do anything, and putting us in jail for any reason that they see fit. Thank God political speech is still free, although I'm sure they'd like to rid us of that too... Can anyone say Patriot Act II?

Am I the only one thats outraged by this kind of shit, or do I just have an exceedingly large... mouth? Everyone needs to speak up if we're going to tell the government to go stick it, because they're big and bad, but we can get things to change, it's just going to take a lot of us. Fuck it... let's get drunk and watch the world go to hell. Either way, for me, thank you.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I love embarrasing my little brother

He's playing little league baseball now, so my sister and I made T-shirts that say "We Love Alan" and "Alan is my Hero", and a variety of other things that embarrass nine-year olds. It's so much fun when he comes up to bat, too, cause my sister and I get up and do the wave, and a bunch of clap-calls "Lets go Alan, Lets Go [clapping]" He pretends he hates it, but he begs me to come to every game, so I go whenever I can. He's so cute. I hope he grows up to be one of the good guys. To make sure he's on the right path, I refuse to let him pitch. All the pitchers I met were wastes of oxygen and blood... now maybe thats hyperbole, but screw it. Who cares?

Matt and I recently had an interesting conversation after the "Shania's No-Tears B-day BBBQB." We were, of course, drunk, but the conversation was staggeringly sobering. Both he and I were in agreement about our total loss of faith in the educational system (i.e. college sucks), and that we both were just kind of... floating. No real purpose, or drive other than music, and that just isn't paying the bills right now. So I threw him, and myself a curve. My proposal was that if there was nothing keeping me in the state at the end of August (read as Becca), that I would drive down to Chi-town with a full car, pick him up, and we would head the fuck out. Where? Who cares. We'll just go. In fact, we could probably tour for a while, then winter in the Keys, where we could do the street musician thing. It wouldn't always be fun, but it would be eye opening. Now, I should write a note to all my buddies that read this. Please don't think that I'm putting you down by saying that you won't keep me in state. I'm not. I just hope that you guys understand that I need to get the fuck out for awhile, and that I'll be back. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just not sure what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or what the fuck is up... and it's eating me alive. Anyway, I've thrown the plan at a couple of people, and here's the general reaction I got. Older people: loved it. All the people over 25 that I told the plan to thought it was a great one, and expressed a wish that they had done something like that. Younger people: hate it. Cats in the age range of 18 to 24 looked at me like I'm nuts. "Why are you just throwing your education away?" or "Why don't you just finish school first?" are a few of the questions that get lobbed my way. What and Fuck no are usually my answers, BTW. I've honestly learned more about music in Mike Hallagans basement and on the stage then I ever learned in a classroom. Not only that, but I've had more experience at life than most of these kids around my age. I've been blessed with the travels I have taken, I've worked since I've been 14, I was a street musician downtown, etc. I know what I want, but I don't know what I want, and I'm not really scared... I'm just confused. Fuck. What do I do? I dunno... and I think that's okay. If you have any comments or wisdom, I would appreciate it.

As an aside, for those that care, I'm head over heels for Becca, but I don't know if the feeling is mutual, so this is why I'm still entertaining this idea. I wouldn't want to put her in any situation she didn't want to be in anyway. [sigh] Oh well, pleasure spiked with pain, right? [grin]

I know I don't belong here...

John Tetzlaff won't buy me a bass; part 1

Yeah, thats right. Mr. Hollywood Johnny, Uncle Money-sacks himself, declined...no, no, outright REFUSED to buy me a bass! What an ass! I'm over here, buss'in my chops trying to make a living, and he's sitting on his golden toliet, reading Forbes and taking shits that smell like bakery-fresh cinammon rolls. What a bastard. All I'm asking is $3,000 for an upright. Is that so much to ask, mister "I-make-a-ba'million-zillion-dollars-a-day-and-I'll-eat-lobster-for-every-meal"? I say nay nay! Fine. Sit in your ivory tower and smoke your imported Ottoman shagg pipe tobacco, all the while, petting your very well manicured Palmerianian. I'll be over here, choking down my Ramen noodles and sleeping on the local rats. Thanks for being a jerk... jerk.

This rant brought to you by a generous grant from the John L. Tetzlaff foundation. When you think class, think Tetzlaff.

Titles are not my forte.

Or, as my ex-music history teacher at UIC would argue, my strength, rather than forte. He hated it when we used "language improperly." He would then prove this by quickly handing out a syllabus that was rife with spelling errors, grammatical slip-ups, and at least one misused homonym. He certainly set a sterling example of stupidity for his students to follow. Not only that, but he was a jerk. I actually contemplated correcting his syllabus is red pen and returning it to him after he reamed my paper for lingustics, as was his style. However, I didn't stay in the class long enough to seriously piss him off. What a bummer. Page 2.

I am in the works to acquire Prince tickets for the Allstate Arena show from Terry Lester, who won them in a drawing at a local bar. Now, don't think I can't hear the snickers and whispering that always accompanies my admittance that I like Prince. Sure, he's a little... eccentric... at least he doesn't screw little boys. He's a hell of a musician, being an extrodinary bass-player, a wickedly talented guitar player, a killer keyboardist, and a phenomonal drummer. Basically, if you took Mike Hallagan, made him black, gave him more hair, and a gigantic sex-drive, then slapped him silly once or twice so he would start wearing purple and some shit, the end product would be very close to Prince. And I don't know about you, but I'd pay money to see that. So, I was excited when Joe told me Terry won the tickets and wasn't sure what he was going to do with them. I think I litterally jumped from my chair and said "Me, me, I'll buy 'em!" Anyway, so I'm excited. I think I'll bring my copy of bass player with him on the front clutching his custom "Sign" bass, and see if I can get an autograph. I would also like to meet the chick who is playing bass for Prince now, who's name I cannot remember. I did, however, read the article that was written about her in the most recent Bass Player, and it was very interesting. She's also pretty hot. Speaking of hot chicks, I asked Becca if she would be interested in going to the Prince concert with me, if I were to acquire the tickets. She kinda giggled, and then gave me a so-so answer. "What? You don't like Prince?" "No, it's not that..." and so on. I'm just thinking she doesn't like Prince, and doesn't have the ovaries to tell me. Oh well, like I said in an earlier post, if you don't like a particular style of music because it doesn't speak to you, thats fine. No skin of my nose. But if you don't like Prince because you think he's gay, thats fine too... you don't have to like him. You do have to suck my pathetic little dick, though. Assknob.

Well, it's official. I like country music. I should just start knocking out my teeth right now. (Those of you who may chuckle in smug self-satisfaction about my held double-standard for music can buff my balls. Seriously. Buff away.) Anyway, I've always been resistant to country music, because most of it just didn't speak to me in any meaningful way, although I am a big fan of Charlie Daniels. Now that I have been hanging out in "blue-collar bars" (Boyle), I've started hearning a lot more country music. Most of it still makes me grit my teeth, but there are some tunes that are generally catchy or meaningful, that I really like. Tracy Byrd's "Drinking Bone" is just one of those catchy country tunes that I enjoy. Now, don't think I'm about to start wearing cowboy boots and doing dip, but I don't seriously dislike all country music now. It's very odd to feel yourself maturing, if just from a musical prospective, cause I sure as hell ain't maturing mentally. Fuck that. Poop.

Well, apparently one of my favorite Beatles songs is "directly about pot," according to Sir Paul McCartney himself. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, you say, or perhaps I am the Walrus? Nay nay, says I, Got to get You Into My Life. How interesting, because now that I think about the lyrics, it makes sense in the context, as well as in the boy-girl reltationship context. I just always took it as the latter. Oh, and speaking of that song, if you've never heard the Blood, Sweat and Tears version, I highly recommend you listen to it. It's soulful and hot.

Well, so far you've read all this and I haven't gotten firey yet. So here we go. The people at Signal Orange are printing up shirts in bright, safety orange. The shirts represent every soldier killed in service in Iraq, and each shirt has the name of a soldier printed on it, with the back of the shirt saying "[Rank][First][Last] can't vote anymore" and the front saying how they died, such as "Killed in an RPG attack on his convoy." Now, you talk about ascerbic in-your-face kind of activism, this is it. And we'll get to my feelings on that in a minute, but first, the important shit. The Signal Orange project has a very nice open letter to the families of the casualties that are listed on the shirts. They try and take care of business, and good on them for that. Now, allow me to rant.
The idea's interesting and intriguing, and I'm not sure whether I like it or not. First off, I'm not sure I like the objectifying of casualties of war in the form of t-shirts, even if they are being used for poltical protest, which I believe is one of the highest freedoms we have in this country. Now, on to the other side of the arguement. Who was the cock-slut who decided that we didn't need to nescessarily know about the people who are dying day in and day out in Iraq, over a "War of Attrition", as I will call it. Who, I ask you? G.W? I don't think he know's how to tie his shoes. As my buddy JR, a republican, mind you, said of Bush "He's not evil... he's just stupid." He's right, too, he's not nescessarily evil, he may be maliced, but he sure as hell is stupid. It's those boy's he hangs out with. I don't like what Dick and Donald are telling George to do, and you know he's just gullible enough to do it. But enough with that. Fuck them all, honestly. They're perpetuating a "war" that was entered into under false pretenses. For that alone they should be hung for perjury. Where is the outcry? Where is the outrage? When Bill got hisk cock sucked from the government slut, everyone was up his ass about it two minutes later, but now that G.W.'s sending our men and women off to die in a Allah-forsaken hell, he gets nothing but accolades. What in the hell is going on in this country? Has everyone lost their minds? Gah!
I've run out of time... I'll finish this later.

Don't quote me boy, cause I ain't said shit.

The Night Time is the Right Time....

I felt the need to make this a seperate entry, in order to give it the proper distance from my absurd rantings.

Thursday saw the shaking of the earth with the death of a god. He passed swiftly into the shadow, but his image remains, seared into the collective memory of generations of music lovers. I am of course speaking of the wonderful Ray Charles, who died early Thursday. Mr. Charles was a dynamo of vocal/piano workings, weaving a thick set of horn-lines, backup singers, and his own "dirtish", home spun voice into a wonderful tapestry of soul. His incredible talent was only made more incredible by the fact that he was blind, which caused many a jaw to drop, and was the producer of many unbelieving stares. But Mr. Charles never let his handicap bother him, even going so far as to take roles in movies and television commercials. Even for those who didn't follow his music, Ray Charles was a mainstay of American pop culture. His passing will be mourned by all of America.

Johnny T. and I has the distinct pleasure of seeing Ray Charles live at Blues Fest in 1997, where he headlined the Petrillo Stage on Thursday evening. We both stood in awe of the musical giant, playing and swaying the groove out of his fingetips and into the crowd of thousands. Unfortunatly, we had to leave early, so we didn't get to see his set closer, which was suppoused to be dynamite. However, I do know that he was one of the few older performers that I have seen that was still as good as his best album.

So, this week, all my musical endeavours are devoted to the wonderful piano player, talented singer, civil-rights activist, and all around hip cat, Ray Charles.

Ahh, excuse me, but there aint' nothing wrong with the action on that piano.

We want Milk Days!

While I'm not a real big fan of hicks and bumpkins, Harvard's annual Milk Days Festival proved to be a lot of fun this year. While the celebration happens over five or so days, I only chose to participate in two days.

Friday
After getting off work a bit early, I hung around my house, cleaning up, and getting ready to play. We played at Windy's, a local bar. It was a good time, and we had a lot of fun, but I got one of my crippling headaches that happens when I drink too much without eating enough, all the while pushing myself with the singing. Whatever, we had a good time. My mom and dad were out there, which was excellent, and my mom got pretty well schnocked, which is hilarious to see, and yet also slightly disturbing. I'm not sure how many of you out there have gotten drunk with your parents, or just older people in general, but it's an odd experience, to say the least. Anyway, the restaurant right next to the bar is open 24-hours on the weekends, so Matt Fisher, Joe Fisher, Kevin Hinterlong and I stopped in and had a bite. When you live in a town full of folk, but not nescessarily full of teeth, you realize that when hicks get drunk, they get either rude, annoying, or both. Now, I understand that these traits are very common in a drunk individual, but there are also others, such as the quiet drunk, the preachy drunk, etc. Harvard seems to lack most of these drunks, and they just have the annyoing, rude drunks. Did I mention they smell badly, too? Anyway, so this is the only 24-hour establishment within walking distance of the bars, so it gets nailed when the bars close... and they only have one guy working the tables. Poor Jason, whom is the aforementioned solitary waiter, gets harrassed and harrangued by these assholes constantly. So I always leave him a big tip... I'm not trying to say "Here's some money, it'll take your mind off the jag-fucks that come in here constantly," but it lets him know not everyone's an asshole. Oh, and that night we played at Windys... well, the restaurant is actually attached to the bar, with a sliding glass door in between the two of them, so people can walk in and out, yadda yadda. So, we're on wireless systems, and we go walking in to the restaurant while we're playing, and talk to Jason and so on. The place was empty at that point, so we just yakked with him for awhile, then headed out to work the crowd.

Ya know what... who cares about all the details of the rest of my weekend? I don't. Here's a short recap:
The Milkdays parade was a lot of fun this year, but I think it's because I was drunk. Joe Fisher was a giant roller-blading hot dog in it, so I chased him down with a home-made sign that I had been wearing all day. Let's just say the entire town of Harvard now knows his name. The party at Greg's place was awesome. Good damn food, good damn people, beer... who could ask for more? Boyle really hit it on the head when he described Mr. Grabowski... he's an absolute delight to talk to. The whole family is. Anyway, that was cool, and I get extra credit for performing a full depantsing of Mike Clinton in front of his ex-girlfriend. I really should feel bad about it... but I don't. Wear a belt, would be the lesson here. Sunday was uneventful other than me being hungover, driving home from Greg's, and then immediatley being put to work on my cousin's computer. Gah. The fireworks show at Milk Days this year was amazing. They were firing them off about 300 yards in front of us, and the breeze was blowing in slightly, so the fireworks were going off right in front of us, and floating into or above us. It was awesome. Now when it comes to fireworks, I like the bright-flash, big-noise kinda fireworks, and they had a lot of them. There were some there that were just big-balls of fire and enough black-powder to take down most of Harvard. They were litterally setting off car-alarms every time they went off. It was AWESOME. Now, that was basically my weekend, with most of the painful minutea removed for both your pleasure, and the retention of my sanity. So, now then, on with the rantings.

The Interesting Stuff (?)

First, something that I thought was way overdue (story here). AC/DC could possibly get a road named after them in Melbourne, Australia. Hell Yes. Now, I'm not a real big AC/DC fan, seeing as I only own one of their albums, and I see them as somewhat of a novelty group, like the Ramones. (No diss on the Ramones, they were hip, they just weren't really hip.) Anyway, AC/DC may be a blow-off band for me, but damn can they rock. There is one thing I will give bands like AC/DC, and that's that they never stopped a' rockin... Yes, yes, keep on a rockin. So, you see, my logic here is that if you rock so hard for so long (1973 - 2004+), then you deserve a damn street named after you in your hometown... damnit. I don't know why they didn't have one after Back in Black came out, possibly one of the hardest-rockin' of the butt-rock albums that AC/DC continually churns out. Now, I don't use the term butt-rock as a deragatory term, per say, it's just a system of classification, and it actually happens to be very high in the rankings of ridiculous rock. It could be worse, they could be classified as choad rock, at which point they would probably be on the other end of my sarcasm cannonade. So, the point is, give AC/DC their damn street, cause they've earned it. Page 2.

Weird Al Yankovic is fantastically talented as a composer, as well as an arranger and lyricist. Now, Boyle would have told you that in a heartbeat, and his musical taste is usually something I trust, but when it comes to calling someone amazing, I really have to come to the realization myself. Now, I've had similiar awakenings recently about Stevie Wonder, and a new chap by the name of Raul Midon, and now I've had one about Weird Al. I've always liked his music, it's always a good time listening to it, but I just realized he's a hell of an arranger. What, you may ask, gave you this awakening of musical majesty? Polka Your Eyes Out. A wonderful tune which takes popular tunes from the early 90s (and late 80s), and puts them in a polka form. Now, it's not spectacularly difficult to take pop music, which is usually written with a 4/4 feel, and shove it into a polka format, which is a 2/4 feel, but it does take a bit of massaging, and Weird Al does it very well, and continued to do it well with The Alternative Polka, which is the only other one I remember very well. I know he did others, but those are really the two that stand out. If you haven't heard them, download them, or borrow the CD from a friend. I'll give you a clue which buddy of yours is likely to own a Weird Al CD: They'll be very comfortable with themselves, they'll have a hell of a sense of humor, and they might just be the hottest bass player you've ever met. *cough* Anyway, Weird Al does a wondeful jorb.

On the subject of polkas, if you're into alternative forms of music, check out Brave Combo. They're a fantastically talented group of gentlemen that I had the distinct pleasure of hearing on NPR, and I can honestly say I've never been more riveted or intrigued by a band on the radio before. They are very different, very talented, and tragically-hip. They also have a really hot sense of humor about everything, or so I've gleaned. I recommend you check out some of their music, although I will warn you, they are very heavily influenced by Eastern European styles, as well as a certain kind of Texas panhandle two step, thats like a polka with some chili peppers draped over it so the people of Texas don't have to feel any more self-concious about being asses. Wow. Sorry about that. Anyway, Brave Combo is awesome, and you should at least give them a good shot. Page 3.

On the inflammable subject of music, I would like to say to everyone out there who is horribly intollerant of certain musics... Fuck Off. Now, I'm not talking to people who say "Oh, I don't like that band/style because it doesn't speak to me (or something equivalent)." Thats fine. If a certain music doesn't move you, cool, find one that does. This message is for those cock-sucking sissy-marys out there who just don't like a specific scene that a certain style is associated with, and therefore don't like that style because of it. Punk Rock with lost souls, Jazz with narcotics addicts, etc. Well, you people can all eat my ass with a dirty wooden spoon. I don't even know if I have a proper punishment for people like you, other than perhaps paper-cuts on your eye-balls, followed by a 40-hour Yanni-thon. (Speaking of people who's music doesn't speak to me...) Would you like that, ya rod-yanking butt-sluts? I didn't think so. Stop being so intolerant. (And stop giggiling about the fact that I'm a hippocrite, or the irony of my final statement. You can eat me too.)

Ryan Boyle is a douche-nozzle. There you go Boyle, I have fulfilled all your wishes. Now Eat Me.

Post a comment if you've got some balls/ovaries.

Whats with people, man?

Alright. I've seen it all, now. I was just surfing around the net, looking for any other information about a specific windows error code, when I came across this site. Basically, it's this guy asking about a KMODE exception error in Windows 2000, which is generally hardware related. Now, this is a forum of computer experts, something this man claims time and time again that he is not. So what does he do when people advise him? He bitches about it. Thats right, folks, he complains about recieving help from the experts. Not only that, but he second guesses them on multiple occasions! Now, granted, the guy is under the incorrect assumption that logic and computer repair go hand in hand, which is generally not the case, but still... he's questioning the experts, and in a snide manner, I might add. So, anyway, it gets to where he questions the logic of a stick of RAM being bad, claiming over and over that the computer is too new to have something go bad. Yeah, cause you're the fuckin' expert here, butt-rake, so you should know. Well, some other cats hit the forum, and recommend some real long-shot solutions that probably won't work, no shank on these guys, the old fart just doesn't want to hear that it's a bad stick of RAM. Anywho, there's one cat who hammers him to try and replace the RAM. So the old cat writes a final scathing note, something to the effect of "I'm a giant, human turd." No, actually, it's like "Well, I took it back to the salesmen, and told him the RAM was bad, and he laughed at me because the computer was so new." It's people like these that can eat shit and die... right after they bite my wrinkly balls! Now, you may ask, what sort of people are you condemning to this horrific testicular taste-test? The old, crusty butt-whore, or the ignorant salseman? Both, says I, they can each have a turn. Hell, I'll even grease my nuts up for 'em. Shitheads.

And now for something completely differnt.
If you haven't heard Raul Midon, you must go there now, and watch his Kennedy Center performance. NOW, I SAY! Wait, wait, first, you'll need Real Player (this is a free, clean version). He's amazingly talented, and I liken him to the Stevie Wonder of guitar (see my earlier blogs for my comments on the esteemed Mr. Wonder). He's too damn talented for my puny musical mind to take. I wish I could go see him without supporting that awful Jason Mraz, but unfortunately, thats not the case right now. Sometime soon, then. Anyway, this guy kicks a lot of ass. Check him out, bitches.

I wish I could type more, but this is my third time retyping this blog, due to the inane stupidities of MSIE, and I've just had enough. The important parts are covered, I think... Raul Midon, old crusty ass-knocker, my wrinkly balls... yup, thats everything.

Signing out from the Hallagan household. Rock rock on.

My Sister.

Oi! Vat a schlemiel! < /goy > Anyway, so yesterday was interesting. Work was work, and it was interesting. The damn network never seems to be functioning right, which is a pain in the ass, but it keeps me away from my boss' stupid busy-work... so, of course, I only fix it until I have to... unless the problem is really bugging me, which yesterday's is. Anyway, work.

So I get a call as I'm getting back from work, and it's one of the sax players I work with, asking me if I want to come practice with the City Band tonight. Hell yeah. The city band is a lot of fun, it's a swing big band, it's got a bunch of top-notch players, and the practices are paid. Sweet. So I head out there to play, and it turns out that Kendall and Justin are in the sax section, two of my MCC buddies whom have since moved on to other schools, so it was good seeing them again... and Kenny, the drummer for the Tara Singer Trio, whom I play bass for, is now nailin' the skins for them. Sweet. So we had a good time, and Kendall and I went out for a beer afterward. It was fun.

Now, while I was out, I got a call from my sister, see. She gave a ring, and asked if I was heading home to drink with them. Well, WTF, sure, I said. I headed home, and ended up finishing the night drinking tequilla with my mom, my sister, and one of my sisters funny little cuban friends. I forget her name... Pierre... Consuela... Pinto. Thats it... Pinto.

Anyway, the jist comes down to I got really drunk, and it was a shell-of-a-good time, to quote The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So, thats basically my life, and it's alright. But now I must run to band practice.

Pimpin' ain't easy, but it sho' is fun.

Damnation

Well, it's been awhile since my last entry. I blame it on my inability to do anything but work these past few days. I would do a day by day update, but... fuck it. Let's put it this way:
Des Plaines Flood: Major Disappointment.
I was cranked and ready to roll, man. It was great that the flood didn't hit, and that everyone was saved, and all the blah, but damnit! I wanted a fuckin' fight! I got everything all lined up for nothing! Ah well. Que ceria.

Becca was suppoused to come over tonight to make up for the Monday that she missed last week, and the week that I spent in Des Plaines, but it turns out she has Strep Throat. Bummer. The worst part is, she's apologizing for getting sick. It's like, don't worry about it babe. Ya know, ya can't help that shit, it happens, and you deal, thats all. However, I can't say I wasn't disappointed, since I haven't seen her in 2 weeks now, and when the strep clears, it'll be 3. I offered to bring her some home-made soup, etc, but she has declined so far. Oh well. I'll just have to stare at the wall and pound my pud... sounds like a typical day. Page 2.

Well, Charlie is back at Case, apparently. While I gave him a lot of digital shit for not pitching in at the flood, I'm gonna miss that douche. Have fun, Chuck, and prepare for Alco-tastic when you get back.

And speaking of douche-nozzlery, I would like to nominate Mike Clit'on for "Nozzle of the Week"^TM. First of all, I'm over at Eileen Hallagan's grad party, having a good ol' time, drinkin and jammin. Ryan Boyle gives me a ring and tells me about the party that he's throwing for his girlfriend, the lovely Jessica, at a bar in *shudder* Naperville. Alright, I say, I'll be late, seeing as I'm playing and what not. Now Boyle calls Clit'on, as would be expected, and invites him to come out. Mike, being the Nozzle de tutti Nozzle, continues to bother me for a ride... even though his car is at the party. Slow down, did I even say I had room for you in my car? You came to this party, assuming... ASSUMING... that I would simply GIVE you a ride to Naperville. Bwah? My car, for those of you who may not know, is at all times filled with music gear, empty cigarette packs, and fast-food bags, among other things. So, it turns out, I only have three seats in my car today, and I rode Greg and JR over, so... tough shit.

Oops, looks like I have run out of time. The time has come for me to split, so I'll finish this rant later... and believe me, Mike deserves the "Nozzle of the Week"^TM award. But whatever.

King Kong ain't got shit on me.