I love embarrasing my little brother

He's playing little league baseball now, so my sister and I made T-shirts that say "We Love Alan" and "Alan is my Hero", and a variety of other things that embarrass nine-year olds. It's so much fun when he comes up to bat, too, cause my sister and I get up and do the wave, and a bunch of clap-calls "Lets go Alan, Lets Go [clapping]" He pretends he hates it, but he begs me to come to every game, so I go whenever I can. He's so cute. I hope he grows up to be one of the good guys. To make sure he's on the right path, I refuse to let him pitch. All the pitchers I met were wastes of oxygen and blood... now maybe thats hyperbole, but screw it. Who cares?

Matt and I recently had an interesting conversation after the "Shania's No-Tears B-day BBBQB." We were, of course, drunk, but the conversation was staggeringly sobering. Both he and I were in agreement about our total loss of faith in the educational system (i.e. college sucks), and that we both were just kind of... floating. No real purpose, or drive other than music, and that just isn't paying the bills right now. So I threw him, and myself a curve. My proposal was that if there was nothing keeping me in the state at the end of August (read as Becca), that I would drive down to Chi-town with a full car, pick him up, and we would head the fuck out. Where? Who cares. We'll just go. In fact, we could probably tour for a while, then winter in the Keys, where we could do the street musician thing. It wouldn't always be fun, but it would be eye opening. Now, I should write a note to all my buddies that read this. Please don't think that I'm putting you down by saying that you won't keep me in state. I'm not. I just hope that you guys understand that I need to get the fuck out for awhile, and that I'll be back. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just not sure what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or what the fuck is up... and it's eating me alive. Anyway, I've thrown the plan at a couple of people, and here's the general reaction I got. Older people: loved it. All the people over 25 that I told the plan to thought it was a great one, and expressed a wish that they had done something like that. Younger people: hate it. Cats in the age range of 18 to 24 looked at me like I'm nuts. "Why are you just throwing your education away?" or "Why don't you just finish school first?" are a few of the questions that get lobbed my way. What and Fuck no are usually my answers, BTW. I've honestly learned more about music in Mike Hallagans basement and on the stage then I ever learned in a classroom. Not only that, but I've had more experience at life than most of these kids around my age. I've been blessed with the travels I have taken, I've worked since I've been 14, I was a street musician downtown, etc. I know what I want, but I don't know what I want, and I'm not really scared... I'm just confused. Fuck. What do I do? I dunno... and I think that's okay. If you have any comments or wisdom, I would appreciate it.

As an aside, for those that care, I'm head over heels for Becca, but I don't know if the feeling is mutual, so this is why I'm still entertaining this idea. I wouldn't want to put her in any situation she didn't want to be in anyway. [sigh] Oh well, pleasure spiked with pain, right? [grin]

I know I don't belong here...