Dangerous Toy Round-up

Well, seeing as the turkey is in "left-over" mode, I think it's time to look ahead to Christmas, and take a look at all the un-safe toys you shouldn't be buying for Johnny and Jane this year. Now, we've all seen the common Dangerous Toys lists, but they never cover the truly dangerous toys, toys that could kill your child in an instant. You need to protect your children from experiencing life's little lessons, so they will be utterly unprepared, as adults, to deal with any situation that may arise. So, with that in mind, let's take a look at this year's MOST DANGEROUS TOYS!

• The Frisbee - a time honored toy that children have played with for years. Yet, disturbingly, the frisbee can be used as a "suicide" implement by your youngster attempting to acheive freedom from your horrible parental reign. Wham-O, the makers of the most popular frisbee models, has refused to comment.


• Marbles, another classic toy for children, teaches them the art of playing together, while allowing them to play with colorful array of glass globes. But children are big fans of putting things where they don't belong, and your child might meet an unlucky fate after having such a run-in with a marble, or sack-of-marbles.


• Rectal thermometers may be a fun treat for your child, but the mercury inside can be dangerous, especially when apsorbed rectally. Rectal thermometers can also incite "sexual play" among your child and their friends, and that's just not normal, damnit.


• While every child enjoys playig with Industrial-grade Cleaning Products, they can be dangerous, especially when ingested orally, or in combination with rectally-ingested mercury. It's best to steer clear of any industrial cleaning products that don't have polymeric aluminium chloride and trichloroisocyanuric acid in them.


• Anything mime related. It just turns your kid into a foreign film loving sissy-mary. That and it's creepy.


• Dungeons and Dragons, while it may seem like a fun and fascinating way for your child to spend time with his geeky buds, fuels the imagination with dangerous accelerants, like "math", "THAC0", and "the occult". Soon your child will wander the darkend streets at night, thristing for the blood of the living, damned to and eternal existence of feeding on the innocent. All because you thought this game would be fun...

That'll do it for my top six "Unsafe Toys" this year. Why six you ask? Because I'm a lazy, lazy man. A truly chilling list, and any parent that would purchase one of our "Most Dangerous Toys" for their child should be taken out back and beaten with the skinny end of a fishing rod while being forced to listen to Quentin Tarantino talk about how brilliant he is... or we could stop worrying about what toys are safe, and what ones aren't, and just assume that parents will do their jobs. Besides, do you really want a person in any position of power if, as a child, they would have eaten one too many Lincoln Logs, save for their parent's "safety intervention"? No, me neither. Why didn't Barbara give G.W. a wood-burning kit? Who knows. I'm outta here.

Happy Decemberween everyone.