Hot Steamin' Cup of Joe

Let me come out and simply say this post has nothing to do with George W. Bush's nomination of John G. Roberts Jr. to the Supreme Court. I'm still trying to learn more about Mr. Roberts, and will be posting about it tomorrow, more than likely. No, this posting is about a conversation that (long absent) fellow poster JR and I had this weekend. It went something like this:

JR: "I guess the Hot Coffee mod is present in the Playstation version of [Grand Theft Auto] San Andres."
Me: "No shit?"
JR: "No shit."
Me: [continues playing Freaky Fliers]

Now, that may not seem like an extremely interesting conversation, but I guarantee it was by far the mildest conversation to invoke the Hot Coffee "exploit" in GTA: San Andres. The Hot Coffee "exploit", for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a mini-game inside Grand Theft Auto: San Andres. It's a sex game, in fact, involving pushing buttons and rotating joysticks in a rhythmic sequence in order to give the girl an orgasm, thus winning the game. To access this, however, a long series of codes must be entered, and then you must take your character on several successful "dates" with one of his many girlfriends. Then your character gets invited back to the ladies house for a cup of coffee, which is apparently code for "badly-vectored, fully-clothed simulated sex." Hot.

Now, people are up in arms about this recent revelation, and I would be able to understand it if it were about the right thing. Rockstar, the makers of Grand Theft Auto: San Andres, basically lied about Hot Coffee's code being present. That's dirty pool and bad business on all fronts, and what I would be upset about, if I felt it nescessary to get upset about these kinds of things. What people are upset about is the fact that Hot Coffee is present inside the game at all, since the game is owned and played by children. (Despite the fact that it is rated M and shouldn't be played by anyone under 17.) Now, I understand the concern, but a thought came into my head when I was reading a few stories scolding Rockstar over including this soft-core (at best) porn: We're talking about Grand Theft Auto, right? A game in which you control a character who runs about committing crimes, the least of which is car-jacking? The same series in which, two years hence, I went on a killing spree in a park simply so the National Guard would show up and I could steal one of their tanks? (Which, by the way, I did successfully. Danny will back me up.) Well maybe, I though to myself, the game has changed a bit. Become a bit milder over concerns over video game violence. So I decided to play just a bit. Here's what happened:

After getting used to the controls for a minute, I pulled a man from his Ford Taurus look-a-like, jumped in, and proceeded to run the old owner down, resulting in a satisfying squish. After driving around for a minute or so, I started driving on the sidewalk, mercilessly slaughtering pedestrians with a rather peppy tune playing on the radio. I ditched the car, walked down the street, beat up an old woman for the hell of it, and then hijacked a big rig cab, which I figured I could do more damage with. After driving around a bit more, I found some gangsters and ran them over, then ran over more people, only to find a cop chasing me. After pulling some daring maneuvers, many of which involved blowing through red lights, I jumped out of my truck and confronted the cop in a fist fight. To say it was a glorious battle would overstate the officier's ability to defend himself, and soon I was brandishing his billy club and driving his police interceptor. This took all of around 10 minutes. Later, I entered a weapons cheat, pulled out a sniper rifle, and started shooting old ladies from the top floor of a parking garage. Good wholesome fun.

After playing this game for around an hour, I suddenly realize why people are upset about the Hot Coffee hack: They are criminally insane. There is no other rational explanation for their outrage. In a game where you are encourage to steal, maim and kill, a little good, wholesome sex is apparently not welcome. I basically look at it like this: It's not rape. Hell, you have to have a damn good Appeal rating (attractiveness, effectivly), AND take the woman on a few good dates before she invites you back to her place for a little digital hanky-panky. I'd say it presents a fairly decent representation of a piece of social interaction. The fact that the guy has to try and the girl isn't a total slut really make it the least appalling portion of the game. Seriously, I don't understand people sometimes. Horrible, deplorable violence is okay, as long as you don't see any breasts or hear any cursing. Whats that all about, besides being completely ridiculous? I think it's time for a reality check for the United States. Time to focus on our moral values with a questioning, rational eye and the will to change our views when presented with a rational arguement against them. Then maybe we'll see less outrage over things like Hot Coffee, and more outrage over things like The US PATRIOT Act.